Ups and downs

Following on from my last post about living with someone who has depression, I wanted to make something clear that perhaps I didn’t before. Although I question myself about why I didn’t walk away right at the start, I’m always glad I didn’t. I love my husband and he loves me, I think more than I will ever be able to reciprocate. We make a good team.

We don’t have an easy marriage, that’s for sure. Although we are very similar in some ways: we both love the outdoors and we both do a lot of exercise; we are also very different. I have always been a social animal. I love spending my time with my friends and family, I like going out, I like doing exercise with others (I run with friends, I cycle with a club, I go to Crossfit and enjoy being part of that community). My other half, on the other hand, likes to be solitary. He always exercises alone. He doesn’t look forward to group gatherings. He particularly dislikes large group events (weddings, etc.). He likes to spend time with me but otherwise he is much happier by himself. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t have friends, he does, but I wouldn’t call them close friends.

I love my dog, Bailey. My husband is not really an animal person. This has an affect on us as he gets jealous of the dog. I think that’s crazy but for him it’s very real. Bailey has been with me since he was 8 weeks old. I can’t have children but I can have a dog. To me he is like a child and people who aren’t dog lovers just don’t get this.

We bicker. We bicker about silly things. We’re a bit like my mum and dad in that respect and they have been together over 50 years so maybe that’s not a bad thing 😉 We struggle financially. I don’t know why as we both work hard but we’re just both inherently bad with money. We have no security, no savings, nothing in place for the future. We have debt. We live from hand to mouth and I’m sure this doesn’t help with the stresses of things. Still, we have a roof over our heads, we have food on the table and we get by. Of this we should be extremely grateful as there are others out there a lot less fortunate than us.

Living with someone with depression is really hard. The good times are great but the bad times can be really bad. And they can be unexpected. There doesn’t have to be a reason, a trigger. It can just happen. And I’m not always ready for it. This time I really wasn’t ready for it. He’s doing better. He’s upped his meds and he’s setting out strategies for himself. We even talked about the affect it has on me. He bought me flowers. They are beautiful flowers and the same colours as our wedding flowers ❤ He knows that his illness is selfish. He knows how much it impacts me and he is eternally grateful for my support. In fact you can read all about it from his perspective here.


I went to see a friend on Friday afternoon. A good friend who only lives 20 minutes away and who I don’t see nearly enough. She is struggling too. We both need to be there for each other. Friends are so important. Having someone to talk to is so important. I am setting myself some additional goals for this year and that is to spend more time with friends. To be there for my friends and for them to be there for me. A problem shared and all that… I’m also going to stop comparing my marriage to other people’s. It doesn’t work like that. We are all different. We all have our crosses to bear, some just more than others.




Living with Depression

I don’t suffer with depression, of this I am eternally grateful. I do, however, live with it. My husband has depression and has suffered with this crippling illness for over 20 years. We have only been together for 6 years and sometimes I do wonder to myself why I didn’t just walk away right at the start. That sounds harsh I know but it’s true. It takes an incredible toll on our relationship.

At the moment I am imploding. Quietly. He is going through a difficult time right now and I have reached tipping point. I’m just not sure how to support him this time. I feel like I’ve run empty on the right things to say, on the right things to do, on the support I can give him. It’s tearing me apart as I feel like my marriage is in danger of falling apart. I have my own things going on – financial stress mainly, as usual. Normally I seem to be able to cope with everything life throws at me but right now I just don’t have it in me. I just want to shout ‘pull yourself together’ despite knowing full well this is the WORST thing I can say.

Depression is a nasty, selfish, all-consuming illness and unless you have lived with it, either personally or through someone else, you will never understand its effects. It is debilitating. It is driving us apart. I feel lost. I love him but I’m not sure that’s enough right now.

End of the season

So this time, seven months ago, I was just setting out on the IVF journey. It was a short-lived journey, but it was a journey nonetheless. In fact, I’ve just been re-reading that first blog post Motherhood… or not and it’s reminded me just how much I’ve, sorry, we’ve, been through in quite a short space of time. Actually, in reality, I didn’t start the journey seven months ago. It started long before that. But the sciency bit started then. The drugs and the needles started then. The short-lived hope started then. But I always had a plan B. I had to have a plan B. I knew the odds. They were stacked against us from the start.

Plan B was to get fit. To train. To complete three full distance triathlons in 2017. Well here we are, at the end of the season and I have done it. In fact I have spent 13 hours, 55 minutes and 23 seconds racing in full distance triathlons. But that’s not all. I’ve also completed a 10km trail race, a sprint distance triathlon and I’ve started doing Yoga and going to Crossfit. Oh, and I’m taking part in a 100 mile cycle sportive on Sunday… Yep, you got that right, I have become an exercise junkie!

Don’t get me wrong, I still like drinking cider and gin (not together, might I add) and eating cake and I still find running more of a means to an end than something I actually ‘enjoy’ but I’m loving the endorphines that I am getting from it all. The sense of achievement. The focus. The community. It’s what I need. There will always be a huge hole in my life, one that can never be filled with anything else, but this helps. It definitely helps.

So what now? Well, now I’ve proved I can do it, I need to do it better. I want to train properly. I want to improve. I want to get stronger, fitter, better. I want to eat better (that’s going to be the toughest challenge) and I want to feel good about myself. I’ve already signed myself up for a sprint triathlon in March, the Adventure Triathlon Series (same as I’ve done this year) and a trail half marathon. I also want to go out to France and cycle up Mont Ventoux and Alpe d’Huez (I’ve done this one before on our honeymoon but I want to do it properly). I want to get better at lifting weights and I want to improve my flexibility and my core strength. I want to be happy in myself and happy in the life we have without children (obviously Elton has a daughter who I love heaps but you know what I mean) and I want to get joy from the simple things.

I seriously believe that without the training, without the hard work, I would have slipped into a depression. This has saved me and now there is no going back 😀