Moving on? Maybe not.

Wow. Got a lot of stuff whizzing round my head right now. Triggers everywhere. Photographs of close friends getting together with all their kids, reminders of friends that are pregnant, going to a hen weekend with a friend and her 7 week old baby. It’s impossible to keep away from it. But I haven’t quite worked out how to deal with it yet. Jealousy is evil. It eats you up. It makes you angry. It makes you hurtful. It makes you hardnosed.

My friend with the 7 week old baby probably won’t read this as she doesn’t do social media. But anyway, I apologise. I’m sorry for completely ignoring your son last weekend on the hen do. And today, at Parkrun. It was all I could do. Acknowledging him would have tipped me over. I didn’t want to look at him and I certainly didn’t want to hold him. Hearing him cry made me break inside. And then I had to deal with all the other people cooing over him. I had to walk away from them too. I must have come across as a right bitch. Maybe I am. The drinking helped. And the fudge. And the hot tub. It’s been a while since I got that drunk and boy did I enjoy it. Well, until the next day anyway.

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I know, I should probably speak to someone about it. Get help. But most of the time I actually feel fine. I’m pretty busy. I am ‘training’ although I’m not sure how well that is going… 😮 It’s just when it rises up and chins me that I feel it. Hard to get away from it then I suppose. Seeing a picture of all my uni friends together on the beach with their kids just triggered me this evening. They’re all looking so perfect, so happy, with their little families. Sorry guys if you’re reading this. I don’t mean to be mean. It’s just my coping mechanism. Pass the gin.

Tomorrow I’ll be over it. I’ll be thinking about the 5 kilos I’ve put on in the last month or so and how I need to get my arse in gear on the bike, even though the forecast is rain. I’ve been shopping for ‘stuff’. Shopping makes me feel better. Also, if I spend money on ‘stuff’ it motivates me to use it. So, this week’s shopping was a new GPS running/ cycling/ swimming computer watch thingemy-bob. It’s a Suunto. It’s cool. I used it today on my second run. Yeah, I said second – I’m in training, didn’t I say? I also joined British Triathlon (because it makes me feel like an athlete – hahahahaha!) and subscribed to 220 Triathlon magazine (mainly because I get a free tri-suit as part of my subscription). I have also ordered some new swimming goggles and a thermal swim cap as the water in the lake is frickin’ freezing! Brrrrr.

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So my new strategy is, if anyone puts a baby in my face (or even a photo of a baby) I shall either run to my bottle of Opihr Gin or throw myself in the lake. Don’t worry, I’ll swim, I’m not about to finish myself off just yet.

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One thought on “Moving on? Maybe not.

  1. I understand your feels, I’ve not even been to visit a close friend who’s baby is nearly 2mths. It’s hard to juggle being part of a social circle that’s changed and to look after yourself. Xo

    Like

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